Now We Have Received

If I remember correctly, it was about this time in 1997 that I was lined up in the men’s section of the choir at Christ Church – Lutheran, a Missouri Synod congregation here in Phoenix. I’m not sure I knew it prior to the start of the service, but something life-changing was about to happen that day.

I should back up and explain that prior to this time, I had been going to school to be a Minister of Music in the Southern Baptist Church, and I was just about to enter my junior year of college. This was a transitional year for me, and for the whole school, as I’d just gone through a semester of uncertainty as music faculty positions had been cut and the administration of the school had threatened to eliminate the instrumental music program there.

News of this spread like wildfire to the high schools in the area, and several of my classmates on the instrumental side either dropped out or transferred elsewhere. On my dad’s advice, I decided to stay to finish my degree rather than doing the same and losing a lot of time (and money) in the process. I doubt I would have made the same choice if given another chance, but even bad decisions can be redeemed by circumstance.

I was also coming out of the closet around that time – not really in any formal or aggressive way, but simply being truthful when the subject came up. I knew my days were numbered in the Southern Baptist church – even gay people who are celibate would be considered disordered and therefore unfit for ministry in even moderate churches.

I had to take a leap, make some decisions, and find a way out of the tangled brush of trying to reconcile my faith in Christ with my still-evolving understanding of my sexual orientation. Even more, I had several heart – opening experiences that made me realize that I simply couldn’t be a fundamentalist anymore.

So, one of the way stations in this transition process happened to be Christ Church –Lutheran. Being in that church in that moment of my life held such a richness of experience for me. Walking through the hallways and seeing various sketches of scenes with quotes by Martin Luther on the walls was truly inspiring to me. I felt steeped in a whole world of tradition that I had only experienced in the abstract up to this point. I knew from reading that the Lutherans were very structured, but still very Protestant in belief and ethos.

It was on that day – perhaps a summer day, perhaps late spring – in 1997, when I was standing in line waiting to process into the nave of the church, choir robe on and cincture tied around my waist. When the hymn began, I didn’t realize that this would become one of my favorite hymns, perhaps because of the memories it would invoke in me later.

That song was “Hail Thee, Festival Day” by Ralph Vaughan Williams – and the celebration was the Feast of Pentecost.

Following the cross into the church, I think by the time I arrived at the end of the procession upstairs in the choir loft I had been deeply blessed – I had discovered the beauty of the liturgy and I felt at home in it.

Christ Church –Lutheran had the most well-done liturgy I have experienced in the city in an non-Episcopal congregation, made even better by a traditional music program featuring innovative, academic choral pieces. (My choir teacher from school was the music director there, and I recall him writing his doctoral thesis on Anton Bruckner and also being a fan of Hugo Distler.) Being a Missouri Synod congregation, it goes without saying that the liturgy and the doctrine was highly structured and conservative, so I knew it was a place that would stifle my growth in as many ways as it helped it, but what a blessing it was when I was there.

Besides the fact that today is Pentecost, why do I choose to write about this event 10 years later? Because we have to remind ourselves often as we get older and have new experiences of something very important: what happened in the past will never happen again, so you must remember it, treasure it, and realize that trying to go back to that place and relive it will be at best vain and at worst will taint the cherished memory that you have of the situation.

It seems to me that some of the key to resolving some of our existential angst has to be in the act of active remembrance of those times when we have had the most transformative experiences. Perhaps these were moments when parts of us that were hidden or suppressed were finally acknowledged openly or somehow given a voice that had previously been silenced. Or, these may have been moments when we realized that we were invited to something great – something where we were able to focus on something outside of and better than ourselves for a while, and be surprised that we’d forgotten our usual self-centeredness.

Today at Mass at All Saints’, Fr. Peter lifted up our thoughts during the prayer of consecration that we offer our sacrifice of thanksgiving with apostles and martyrs, but also with the Disciples who were gathered in the Upper Room, with all of those who have been killed in the fighting in the Sudan, and with faithful men and women who have died in the service of our country, as misguided, horrific, and senseless as almost all of our wars are.

For Pentecost this year, I am mindful that the Spirit of God that was present in each of these groups of faithful people is also the same Spirit who helps me – and all of us – remember that we have been brought to meaning-full places in the past, and that we will be, and are, therefore redeemed again and again.

Observations by Bicycle

At something like 5:45 this morning, I woke up with the early-rising sun and decided that I needed some exercise, so I went out for a 2+hour excursion by bike through east Phoenix.

At the midway point, I stopped off at La Grande Orange on 40^th Street and Campbell (which is south of camelback). This seems to be a centralized gathering spot for locals in the immediate neighborhood, and a few of my work colleagues who used to live in the area seem to frequent that place. Strangely, with a big pine tree out front and a laid-back atmosphere with dark interior furnishings and lots of wood, it reminded me of some kind of funky coffee shop I’d see in Flagstaff.

After a delicious breakfast there, I spent time rolling up and down hills in the south part of Paradise Valley between about 40^th Street and 44^th street north of the canal, and I have to say that this area is probably the most beautiful part of the whole Phoenix metro area. (Which I’m sure has something to do with the mind-bogglingly high property values there.) The views of both the city and the mountains are simply breathtaking, so I can understand why so many people enjoy biking, walking, etc., in the vicinity.

I also spent time in Copper Star Coffee, just south of the midway point on 7^th Avenue in the developing Melrose retail district between Indian School and Camelback. That’s another neighborhood that’s becoming fun and funky very quickly, although they still have a ways to go to catch up with some other parts of Central Phoenix – like Roosevelt Row, Grand Avenue, and the warehouse district area. (The last of these is, unfortunately, becoming subject to huge development pressures and probably won’t last long.)

Indian School between 7^th Street and 12^th Street also has some potential, and development at McDowell & 7^th Avenue and on Thomas near 3^rd Avenue is also intriguing, and there are pockets of fun/funky places popping up on 3^rd Street and 7^th Street north of McDowell, so that’s certainly a refreshing change. I’m waiting for it to creep over to 16^th street, but I think it’s going to be a few more years.

The pattern here seems to be the same – original and cool places start up, and then are replaced as property values rise with soulless retail chain stores. Mill Avenue is a great example of this. Now, I’m not saying government should come in and manipulate the market to make this happen, but I think it’s sad that we don’t place a high value on these sorts of places in our individual choices. And yes, I’m just as guilty as most others when it comes to this.

As oil prices continue to rise, I think we will see more and more improvement to our community dynamics, as we get out of our cars and begin to become hyper-local in our life focus. I think we’re going to see things like smaller grocery stores on corners, people biking and walking much more often, and a tendency to see many more pockets of mixed-use development, perhaps located around public transit hubs that are already in place.

If I was looking to buy a house, I think the hot place to try to find something would be trying to find an older house in decent shape in Sunnyslope or South Phoenix. Of course, I’d never want to deal with that maintenance hassle of owning a house – but I don’t want to deal with the problems with an HOA that come with owning a condominium either, which is why I continue to rent from a landlord instead of the government.

The point of all of this is to say that Phoenix is nowhere close to being a world-class city, but I think it’s close to entering into the second-tier of great American cities, and here I’m thinking of places like Portland, San Diego, Denver, Houston, Kansas City, Salt Lake, etc. Places that have rising levels of excitement and energy but are not yet truly renown. But Phoenix is certainly on it’s way up – and we’ve seen that reflected in our housing prices and ongoing downtown development. This is a good place where great things will happen, even though it’s taken years to build this kind of momentum.

Wonderful locations like La Grande Orange that are neighborhood-driven and community-focused are indispensable pieces of this unique Phoenix identity that will be important for us to continue to cultivate as we make this transition to someplace more interesting.

As long as I’m one of Phoenix’s denizens, I’m quite thankful for these types of places and experiences – they remind me to appreciate what I have now rather than always obsessing/worrying about the future.

When a dysfunctional church welcomes you, do you care?

This week, I’ve had a recent project at work involving doing some publicity for an upcoming Christian gay/lesbian justice event at the Cathedral in late June (which, ironically, I won’t be in town for). I’ve really felt energized over the last couple of days in doing something that has a direct and discernable impact – or at least the potential – to bring the outside community to the church and take the church’s message out into the world.

It’s quite a contrast to other feelings I’ve had over the past few weeks. As I’ve read many news reports coming out about the Episcopal Church and the wider Anglican Communion, I find myself becoming increasingly cynical about anything the church can accomplish in these angry days. Quite frankly, I’ve been questioning whether the local church, or even the wider institution church and/or organized religion is really a place where people can go to find God.

A close friend of mine, who is strongly agnostic, has observed that every time he comes to any type of function being held at my church, or even walks in the building, all he sees are “old people”, and draws the conclusion that it doesn’t have much relevance to those who are younger. And just the other night, one colleague of mine repeated one of the things I hear often: younger people (Gen X/Gen Y) wonder why in the world those of us in the church are arguing over things like the inclusion of gays and lesbians. Yet another colleague said something the other day like “we don’t call people to greatness anymore in the church.”

If my friends are right – and I really wonder if they are – we have a church that is largely irrelevant to people – and especially younger people. It is relevant for those in older generations, highly invested in community and social activities who have grown up in the church, but it doesn’t really matter much in the everyday lives of most people under 40. To me, the mainline church doesn’t have a clear identity, a good image, or a compelling message, and the evangelical church may have all three, but mostly it’s doing a good job hawking a Big-Mac Jesus in a shopping mall atmosphere.

On top of that, how many unmarried single people do we have in our midst? How many couples without children do we see walking through our doors? Is it just me, or do people seem to want to come back into church after their wild young adult years because they see religion as important for their children to embrace (but not something important for them)? When we talk about church growth, how many people coming in the doors are really the unchurched, or are we simply getting church hoppers who join us for a few years and then leave, failing to be sufficiently entertained - let alone changed.

Now, I’m not saying here that churches, especially of the suburban variety, are doing it right simply because they can pack in 5,000 spectators on a Sunday morning into sports arenas of varying sizes. (I’m not sure they’re giving much other than cool packaging rather than a true transformation of life, and I think a lot of the research I read from George Barna proves this point, since people don’t really practice what fundamentalism preaches.)

But the Episcopal Church isn’t doing much better with our constant bickering over ancillary things that don’t have anything at all to do with the Gospel, and that’s where I think people like Brian McLaren and the Emergent Church, post-modernist people have things right when they refuse to get embroiled in these debates that have the leadership of the Episcopal Church tying themselves in knots.

It was especially disheartening for me to read E-mails on a listserv of gay and lesbian Christians I’ve recently started to listen in on describing the Archbishop of Canterbury as being “devious” and “pathetic” and having a “lack of moral character”. This is disgusting overheated rhetoric. It is obvious at the first observation that it’s nothing other than an unhelpful ad hominem attack – one that has no respect for genuine differences of opinion among Christians.

Now, I’m not sure some of the Archbishop of Canterbury’s recent actions are the best practice of via media, but character assassination on either side of the fence is grossly misguided.

My Daria-esque view is that this argument is great fodder for compulsive blogging religious news junkies, but, ultimately, who cares?

Since there’s so much screaming going on, I’m becoming concerned that people who are genuinely seeking to draw closer to God (not just stay put where they are on the road to God) aren’t able to hear His voice within the walls of any of our increasingly dysfunctional churches anymore.

The hope now for the church, and the reason I cannot simply throw my hands in the air and give up, is that I really believe that being a part of a worshiping community personally gives me the strength and inspiration to do things that I think, with God’s help, really do invite people to draw closer to God. Things like promoting events that help people dialog about justice issues affecting the Christian gay community.

I understand this isn’t a rousing argument for sticking around, but if that’s the only reason, that’s enough for me.

I hope it’s enough for others, because it may be all we have.

fun

A few weeks ago, someone moving into my new apartment complex was having trouble turning the corner in their U-Haul and ended up hitting the back of my car, ripping off the bumper. I found out a few days ago, after a lot of back-and-forth calling with the insurance company, that the car is a total loss because of its age, so I spent a lot of time today online researching different types of used cars to get that fit my budget.

Of course, all of my searching was focused on very practical things like gas mileage, reliability, size, safety features, etc. But I was very surprised when I came across an ad for a fun sport utility vehicle and I called up the seller almost immediately to find out more.

I’ve been reading a book called “Sacred Selfishness” by Bud Harris, a Jungian depth psychologist, and one of the chapters is called something like “The Dark Side”, and discusses the shadow aspects of our personalities. He says repeatedly that we spend a lot of time repressing our energies into the shadow self, and it is often at the stages of mid-life when our shadows begin to confront us.

After today’s experience, I had to ask myself questions about aspects of my own personality I don’t like and would rather avoid. I certainly have my list of insecurities, paranoid ideas, delusions, and dark fantasies as all of us do. And I have feelings of regret and missed opportunities that I try to avoid.

While I don’t know if getting some type of sporty SUV is really the right choice for me when it comes to new cars, I think the fact that I was drawn to something like this is quite telling.

Turns out the sporty SUV that had sparked my interest had already been sold the day before, but I was glad I got a chance to see it and ask myself about how many cheap and unimportant things I’ve spent money or time on, and if that’s really the most practical and correct use of my resources.

In expanding out this idea, I have to rightly conclude that some of the times when I’ve felt the most alive are times when I’ve done things that are creative, spontaneous, and original.

That, of course, seems quite unpractical and inefficient . . . but it is a lot of FUN!

I could use a little more FUN!